Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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