2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
