piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm too high and old for this...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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