She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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