My friends, they love my intelligence
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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