so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I think people are normalizing furries
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
