My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
