you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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