i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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