this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
