Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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