I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
