The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
