I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
