my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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