Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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