Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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