Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I came so hard my ears popped.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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