your parents love me but you hate me
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
