The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
