dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Girls should come with a carfax report
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize