It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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