you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
