who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
