I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
