not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
