Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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