I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
