i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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