I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Drunk is not a location!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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