I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
