girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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