Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
