you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
