I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Who died my cat blue again?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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