One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So vagazzling was a success
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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