is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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