Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
