I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
