Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
