We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
