Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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