so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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