if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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