There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I am one with the molecules
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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