The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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