All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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