so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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