two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
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