Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
