I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
