she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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