i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
40s are totally the cure
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
