I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize