I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
