Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
