drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i drank out of a bidet.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
