I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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